Busy

I haven't been writing a lot lately. This could be a good thing since it means I'm finally back among the living.

School is overwhelming right now but if I had to be honest, I'm not completely upset by this. I like feeling as if I belong to something good. I really need to work on my procrastination problem though. I have three assignments due this week and in typical Michelle fashion, I am putting them off. My goal for the weekend is to dig in and get them done. I keep telling my feeling of accomplishment will outweigh my odd desire to feel the rush of getting something done right before  deadline.

Two of the projects are group projects. I like them for the fact that the work is distributed. I dislike them for the fact that I am on other's timelines. I don't like that. I like my own timelines. But I'll accept it as a growth experience.

I had counseling the other day. Every time I go, I am more grateful that I allowed myself to accept help. In my last session, I discussed my weight gain. I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I told her how I need to get rid of the weight for more than vanity reasons (though, I won't lie, that is a big part). I also need to shed the weight because of what it represents.

Fifteen months ago, when my life was turned upside down and I was sitting on my couch, locked into my house, I remember saying to myself OUT LOUD "I will not let this change me. I will not lose myself or let myself go." I repeated that a lot over the passing weeks. But slowly, the undealt with emotions took over and I found myself not caring as much.

And now, fifteen months later, I no longer see someone strong and beautiful in the mirror, but someone out of shape, dull, and lifeless. And I recognize her too much; too much to really like her. The person I love, the person I really am underneath the extra weight, is still there, screaming for freedom, for a voice.

So I start this journey back. And I find it ironic that I find myself circling back to a place I was at before in an effort to move forward. However, that is what I need to do. Go back. Back to a time when I was not hindered by other's ideas, baggage or expectations. Back to a time where I got tired of being held down and broke free and ran away, literally and figuratively. Back to a time where I realized I cared about myself a whole damn lot and did whatever I could to prove it. Back to a time where I ignored the fact that no one else may love me, but by God, I'm going to love myself.

I was looking at old pictures on Facebook a few nights ago. I came across some from when I was thinner. I didn't only notice how thin I was, but how much I glowed. There is such a natural glow in someone who is taking care of themselves.

I have polluted my mind, body and spirit so much over the past 15 months. If I hurt, I ate or drank.  If I was sad, I mulled and ate or drank. If I was angry, I raged, ate and drank.

And now, I feel as if I have aged a century. And what's worse is that I recognize who I am now. It's who I was before, years ago. Years ago when I was trapped in a marriage that was causing me to shrink, years ago when I was bound to my Mom and her opinion of me, years ago when I was bound to myself with so much shame and pain. And I found my way out of that, so I can do it again.

I found an old note I wrote years ago and still remember one line: I found myself on the track, one mile at a time.

And it's time to go back to that old path, that's grown over with weeds and trample them down and find myself again.

I recognize who I am now and it's a stark reminder of why I worked so hard to forget her so many years ago.