"Good lord! You have a lot of shampoo in your shower. How hadn't I ever noticed that before?"
"It's not mine. When an ex-girlfriend and I broke up, she left the shampoo here and I kept them in case someone needed them."
"Weird. I have never, in my life, ever left shampoo or a beauty product at a boyfriend's house. Ever."
"That's weird, Michelle."
I jump in the shower, deciding to skip shampooing my hair.
I walk into the bedroom and he stares at me, knowing from the crease between my brows that I was over-thinking something.
"I've never left shampoo at a guy's house. Ever. I might have taken stuff with me, but I always carried an overnight bag and never left anything behind. That's strange, right?"
"Well, not completely. You're not the type to leave things behind. I'm used to you and your overnight bag. That's just how you are."
"My ex used to keep stuff at the house all the time. It always bothered me. I would put it in a bag and put it in the corner."
"Okay, Michelle, now THAT is odd. Why would you do that?"
"It was like it mocked me, his toothbrush next to mine. His wash cloth in the shower. His shampoo next to mine. It was, well, too permanent; we, however, were not permanent. I don't like facades. I never have."
"I don't know if I'll ever figure you out."
How do you think I feel? I see a shampoo bottle and now I'm starting to think I'm incapable of bonding. Yeah, these thoughts are staying silent.We climb into bed, he puts his arms around me and pulls me close, running his hands through my hair.
"I can buy you shampoo, you know, if that helps."
I pretend to be asleep and within minutes, I hear his soft snoring. I gently move his arms off of me and roll over to stare at his ceiling. I know I'm over-thinking this but I can't help it. It's just one more thing to remind me of a life with nothing strongly connecting me to another. I wonder if I do this purposely, keep things shallow or if I never demanded more. That's what bothers me the most, the realization of how little I have ever really asked for. I feel guilty for a moment as his arms find me again and he pulls me close to him. I do admit, it feels nice, feeling the strength of his arms around me, but only for a moment. After a few minutes, I feel suffocated and want to be on my own side of his bed.
I think back to a relationship, years ago. I did have a toothbrush of my own when I was with him. I always felt a little silly at how much I enjoyed our morning after ritual of brushing our teeth together at his sink, planning our day. When the time came for the toothbrush to be thrown away and my new morning ritual included me staring into a mirror, a solitary figure, contemplating how much makeup it would take to hide the tear stained cheeks and red eyes, I stopped asking for permanence. It no longer seemed necessary. Where I had once poured myself into making two become one, I now worked to have enough energy to stand alone.
I feel arms tighten around me and hear him murmur into my ear, "You think too much. I like you even if you don't leave stuff here. It's okay. You're just weird, but in a cute way. Get some sleep."
I roll over and bury my face in his chest, loving the smell of his soap and shampoo. I wake up in what feels like minutes, but a quick glance at the clock tells me he let me sleep in. I stretch and roll over and I'm shocked when my arms hit a bag.
What did he do now?Inside the bag is a bottle of my favorite shampoo, a toothbrush, a pink robe, and a brush. As I am removing the contents, I notice a small pink envelope fall out of the bag. Inside is a note . . . .
"I did some Spring Cleaning while you were asleep. It was time to remove ghosts of girlfriends past to make room for you. I hope you don't mind."
I feel tears sliding down my cheeks. How amazing that something so small can signal such a huge step towards something/someone for me. I hear the door open and realize he had been standing outside the door, giving me space or maybe, knowing him and how he knows me, provide a barrier to prevent me from running away.
"It's my favorite shampoo. How did you know?"
He flashes me his cute half smirk. "I smelled all the shampoos until I found the one that smelled like you. The salesperson kept staring at me, but I wanted everything to be perfect."
He kisses my forehead and pulls me close. "You are an odd one, Michelle. But you're my odd one. I have to say, though, you are most definitely probably the one woman who sees a bottle of shampoo as a bigger sign of commitment than a key to my apartment."
"Key are for convenience. Showers with my own shampoo are for staying."
He rolls his eyes like he usually does at my unique logic, but I know he knows what I mean.
"I just wanted you to know there is room for you here. Not in addition to, but as an only. I even cleaned the whole bathroom and bought a candle. It's the same one I saw at your place. I hope you don't mind?"
I realize that I do feel some fear, a bit of apprehension. But I also realize I'm okay with moving forward with the unknown, knowing that one day, the bottle of shampoo could be emptied and no more is bought to replace it. But that little bit of fear, uncertainty, it sure as hell beats always feeling as if I don't quite belong.
I jump up from the bed and kiss him and then run off to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I'm rinsing when I feel him behind me, arms reaching around my waist to take the toothbrush and place it next to his.
And in that moment, I realize, I feel safer and more content than I have in a very long time.
Hey, girls! This one is for you.
So, when I was a kid,
a looooooooooooooooong time ago, I was walking to my grandma's with my Mom.
Well, I was walking about two blocks ahead, almost running, which was no easy
feat because I was a chubby bookworm kid who never ran. Anyway, I'm rambling (and
thanks for putting up with that, too. It can't be easy to wait so long for me
to ever get to the point). Anyway, I'm two blocks ahead because my mom was
wearing a long "broom" skirt (google it), flip flops and socks. Green
socks. Tall, green socks and flip flops. I swore that day, if becoming famous
didn't work out and I ended up having kids, I would NEVER embarrass them. EVER.
I lied.
But you know this by now. And I'm pretty grateful you still hang out with me . . . in public. Though, at times, I'm convinced you do it just for entertainment value. You do seem to disappear after I am myself, but I always find you. The laughter is pretty loud.
People ask me how I managed to raise four awesome kids. I tell them: luck and intuition. A little bit of common sense (but only a little. This is me we're talking about here) and a lot of love. And fun.
Brianna, if I wasn't there when you were born, I would swear you are my long lost twin (and don't do that thing you do and debate me on how that would be impossible due to our age difference, just go with me on this, okay?). We look alike, we think alike, we walk alike. But I like that you still want to be seen with me in public. That makes me happy. By the time you were 16, I was prepared for the 2 block drop off and "don't walk near me" talk with rolled eyes. I like that you want to save the world, that makes me proud of you. But I also like that you are a goofball and like to pull pranks on your sisters. They'll appreciate it one day when they learn that pulling pranks on siblings is the best part of childhood. But, yeah, thanks for being so cool and still being willing to be seen with me in public. And I also really like that if people ask if we're sisters and you know I will buy you something, you say yes. I owe you one for that.
Kristin and Kaitlin, you guys are just adorable, with all the twinning that you do. You do tend to walk ahead of me and tell me point blank that I'm a bit nuts. But I know you mean the good kind, not the straight jacket, padded cell kind of crazy.
Kristin, I like that when you are stressed, you clean. So don't get mad if I cause you stress on purpose, it just means I'm lazy that day and really want the refrigerator cleaned out. I'm sure you understand. And I like that you know I'm really cranky in the mornings so you've started making coffee. I know it's to avoid my grumblings, but I like coffee so it all evens out.
Kaitlin, you are a funny, funny girl. And so random. Dinnertime is so much more fun when you randomly espouse your love of tacos and food in general. Then laugh and go back to eating. And I like that you are cool with how slightly odd we all are and want us to have a reality show. I know you are hoping that would allow you to meet and marry someone from One Direction. But your willingness to include your whole family in that dream, it's pretty special.
Erin, thank you for being the only one left who will still dance with me, no matter what time, for what reason, or if the curtains are open or not. I like that you will also sing along with me at Walmart or dance a little there, too. After all, it's Walmart. Something has to make it more fun. I also like that when we do Yoga, you add in extra moves. It makes me giggle which takes my mind off the fact that I'm almost 100% convinced that once I'm in a pose, I won't be able to get back up. If you make me laugh hard enough to fall down, we can pretend that's why I'm having a hard time getting up. I appreciate how you got my back.
You all are pretty awesome. Some families are only lucky enough to get one funny kid. I got lucky enough to get four. But, then again, how can you not be? I'm your mom and your dad, well he rocks out to rap while wearing overalls, driving his truck that may or may not have a farm animal in the back.
You have to have a sense of humor to survive the world you were born into.
But in all seriousness, for just a minute, you make the world a more fun place. That makes it a better place. So, thank you for putting up with me saying stupid things to other people and embarrassing you, dancing in public, serenading you and singing too loud in the car.
I'll love you forever for letting me be myself and still wanting to be seen with me. Even if I'm not buying you anything.
143
I lied.
But you know this by now. And I'm pretty grateful you still hang out with me . . . in public. Though, at times, I'm convinced you do it just for entertainment value. You do seem to disappear after I am myself, but I always find you. The laughter is pretty loud.
People ask me how I managed to raise four awesome kids. I tell them: luck and intuition. A little bit of common sense (but only a little. This is me we're talking about here) and a lot of love. And fun.
Brianna, if I wasn't there when you were born, I would swear you are my long lost twin (and don't do that thing you do and debate me on how that would be impossible due to our age difference, just go with me on this, okay?). We look alike, we think alike, we walk alike. But I like that you still want to be seen with me in public. That makes me happy. By the time you were 16, I was prepared for the 2 block drop off and "don't walk near me" talk with rolled eyes. I like that you want to save the world, that makes me proud of you. But I also like that you are a goofball and like to pull pranks on your sisters. They'll appreciate it one day when they learn that pulling pranks on siblings is the best part of childhood. But, yeah, thanks for being so cool and still being willing to be seen with me in public. And I also really like that if people ask if we're sisters and you know I will buy you something, you say yes. I owe you one for that.
Kristin and Kaitlin, you guys are just adorable, with all the twinning that you do. You do tend to walk ahead of me and tell me point blank that I'm a bit nuts. But I know you mean the good kind, not the straight jacket, padded cell kind of crazy.
Kristin, I like that when you are stressed, you clean. So don't get mad if I cause you stress on purpose, it just means I'm lazy that day and really want the refrigerator cleaned out. I'm sure you understand. And I like that you know I'm really cranky in the mornings so you've started making coffee. I know it's to avoid my grumblings, but I like coffee so it all evens out.
Kaitlin, you are a funny, funny girl. And so random. Dinnertime is so much more fun when you randomly espouse your love of tacos and food in general. Then laugh and go back to eating. And I like that you are cool with how slightly odd we all are and want us to have a reality show. I know you are hoping that would allow you to meet and marry someone from One Direction. But your willingness to include your whole family in that dream, it's pretty special.
Erin, thank you for being the only one left who will still dance with me, no matter what time, for what reason, or if the curtains are open or not. I like that you will also sing along with me at Walmart or dance a little there, too. After all, it's Walmart. Something has to make it more fun. I also like that when we do Yoga, you add in extra moves. It makes me giggle which takes my mind off the fact that I'm almost 100% convinced that once I'm in a pose, I won't be able to get back up. If you make me laugh hard enough to fall down, we can pretend that's why I'm having a hard time getting up. I appreciate how you got my back.
You all are pretty awesome. Some families are only lucky enough to get one funny kid. I got lucky enough to get four. But, then again, how can you not be? I'm your mom and your dad, well he rocks out to rap while wearing overalls, driving his truck that may or may not have a farm animal in the back.
You have to have a sense of humor to survive the world you were born into.
But in all seriousness, for just a minute, you make the world a more fun place. That makes it a better place. So, thank you for putting up with me saying stupid things to other people and embarrassing you, dancing in public, serenading you and singing too loud in the car.
I'll love you forever for letting me be myself and still wanting to be seen with me. Even if I'm not buying you anything.
143
God's not dead ....but He is dying
My daughters rented "God's Not Dead". The premise is a professor who wanted the students to see that God wasn't real, didn't exist, He is dead. One student stood up for his faith and was given the chance to prove that God is NOT dead. The student did a good job.
The movie fell flat to me. In fact, it angered me. Not because I believe God is dead and I was convicted but because the movie hid behind the typical cliches of people of faith. There was no substance, there were no answers.
No answers for those truly going through times that are so heart wrenching, functioning everyday without screaming is a feat in and of itself.
No, God isn't dead but He is dying. Not in the literal sense. But the whole sense of who God is is dying . . .every day.
I have heard since I was a little girl "Oh, look at how blessed their life is. You know they are following God" I always hated that, how we rank people based on how faithful they believe a person is. Yet, the Bible clearly states that all sin is equal to God and works do not gain you anything. And it made an impression on me because even though my Mom was so imperfect, she was a woman of absolute faith. She never wavered. Yet, her faith alone wasn't enough to have others look to her as someone blessed, but a poor woman, struggling with kids who must'nt be doing enough. A woman of little worth because she only threw pennies in the collect basket. A woman to be silenced when she bragged about receiving a bonus for food stamps. Being on the government toll was enough for them to deem her, to deem us, unworthy. Yet, weren't those same people called to care for the poor?
But so often, being poor is a sin in and of itself, regardless of the circumstances.
What I want, what I crave, what my heart needs is a lot less church and a lot more action. A lot less preaching on Sunday morning and a lot more friendship. A lot less judgment and a lot more love. But we are all up in arms over being right, we forget how to act right.
Christian, Atheists, Muslims, Jews, the list goes on and on. So much hatred. So much bickering. So much noise, we've lost the ability to hear . . .
To hear the sobs of those hurting around you and needing relief . . . answers
To hear the silent hymns sung by those who are virtually ignored . . .
To hear the plea from people to just stop fighting and start loving.
And the movie was right, God isn't dead. But He is dying.
Due to our words . . . or lack of them.
Due to our actions . . . or lack of them.
Due to our hatred . . . and lack of love . . . all in His name.
We are fighting our battles so intently, we've lost sight of the purpose.
We are a mass of people wandering around aimlessly, all in the name of our God without any clue whatsoever of what God wants. Desires.
The world is on fire. It's burning. All around us. And it's not God's fault. It's ours. We are starting these fires faster than anyone can put them out.
Is that really the end result we want? I hope not. I truly, truly hope not. But it's happening regardless, that we may win a few wars, but we are losing the battle. We are losing it badly.
It's always been said that the end of the world would come by fire. I no longer doubt those words.
The movie fell flat to me. In fact, it angered me. Not because I believe God is dead and I was convicted but because the movie hid behind the typical cliches of people of faith. There was no substance, there were no answers.
No answers for those truly going through times that are so heart wrenching, functioning everyday without screaming is a feat in and of itself.
No, God isn't dead but He is dying. Not in the literal sense. But the whole sense of who God is is dying . . .every day.
I have heard since I was a little girl "Oh, look at how blessed their life is. You know they are following God" I always hated that, how we rank people based on how faithful they believe a person is. Yet, the Bible clearly states that all sin is equal to God and works do not gain you anything. And it made an impression on me because even though my Mom was so imperfect, she was a woman of absolute faith. She never wavered. Yet, her faith alone wasn't enough to have others look to her as someone blessed, but a poor woman, struggling with kids who must'nt be doing enough. A woman of little worth because she only threw pennies in the collect basket. A woman to be silenced when she bragged about receiving a bonus for food stamps. Being on the government toll was enough for them to deem her, to deem us, unworthy. Yet, weren't those same people called to care for the poor?
But so often, being poor is a sin in and of itself, regardless of the circumstances.
What I want, what I crave, what my heart needs is a lot less church and a lot more action. A lot less preaching on Sunday morning and a lot more friendship. A lot less judgment and a lot more love. But we are all up in arms over being right, we forget how to act right.
Christian, Atheists, Muslims, Jews, the list goes on and on. So much hatred. So much bickering. So much noise, we've lost the ability to hear . . .
To hear the sobs of those hurting around you and needing relief . . . answers
To hear the silent hymns sung by those who are virtually ignored . . .
To hear the plea from people to just stop fighting and start loving.
And the movie was right, God isn't dead. But He is dying.
Due to our words . . . or lack of them.
Due to our actions . . . or lack of them.
Due to our hatred . . . and lack of love . . . all in His name.
We are fighting our battles so intently, we've lost sight of the purpose.
We are a mass of people wandering around aimlessly, all in the name of our God without any clue whatsoever of what God wants. Desires.
The world is on fire. It's burning. All around us. And it's not God's fault. It's ours. We are starting these fires faster than anyone can put them out.
Is that really the end result we want? I hope not. I truly, truly hope not. But it's happening regardless, that we may win a few wars, but we are losing the battle. We are losing it badly.
It's always been said that the end of the world would come by fire. I no longer doubt those words.
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