I am getting new tires today. This has me extremely excited. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I like this part of myself; the part that still gets excited over simple things.
When I was dating my now ex-husband, I mentioned to a girlfriend how much I loved Peanut M/M's. I had no idea he was listening. He picked me up the next day and we went to a movie. He went to get popcorn and came back with Peanut M/M's. I was impressed.
Over the course of our "courtship" and subsequent marriage, in the beginning, anytime something big happened in my life, he would find a way to give me peanut M/M's. He never handed them to me, I had to find them. In a bookbag when I took my GED test, with flowers after giving birth, taped to a letter on my first day of college.
Peanut M/M's. They make me smile.
When I started dating B, I mentioned the M/M story. I have no idea how it came up but it did. A few days later, I open my purse to find a Snickers bar. It still makes me laugh that he tried to do something he knew I liked before. But it wasn't the same. With B, I liked randomly finding notes or a letter from him. He worked on the railroad and was gone a lot, so this was a way for me to still feel connected, even when he wasn't there.
And his t-shirt. An extra large shirt yellow shirt that hung to my knees. His cologne spritzed on it. I slept in that thing for months after we broke up. It's amazing how cologne lingers even after so many washings. Before, while dating, he was always back home by the time his cologne started to fade. But after a breakup, once the scent was gone, I threw it away. Along with all of his notes and cards.
I sometimes wish I had kept them. Just to remember a time when I fell in love without any reservations.
Each person who has come into my life for any length of time has left a part of themselves with me. Something unique to them or a moment that still makes me smile or laugh . . . a lot.
California buying me books and a journal. He was so excited to surprise me. So disappointed that I guessed. And that silly, silly Christmas tree. OUR Charlie Brown tree. I still find needles sometimes, two years after. Every year, around Christmas, when I'm putting up a tree, I still hear his laugh and hope he has found his way out . . . .
J and his kindness. His overwhelming kindness. And the first man to buy me shoes.
T....well, T stands out. Not because he was he love of my life and every relationship will always need to live up to him. No, not that at all. But T gave me orchids, a beautifully chaotic yet perfectly arranged bouquet of orchids. The most beautiful arrangement of Stargazer Lilies and orchids I have ever seen. I still laugh when I remember buckling the bouquet in and wrapping a blanket around it so they wouldn't fall.
It's movies that made me laugh:
ME: I bet he's crying because the emotional distress is too much and he can't take it anymore.
FRIEND: Or it could be the big shard of glass he just pulled out of his stomach.
It's a little boy on a search for his father's secret. I still wonder if I should have cried. But I'm grateful I laughed, a lot. I so need to laugh like that again and more often.
They were all so different. But each brought something into my life. Something necessary.
These are good memories; special memories.
And I don't regret a single one . . . .
Knitting
I remember the first time a friend handed me homemade needles and yarn. Yarn she spun and dyed herself from her own sheep. I felt as if someone was asking me to perform open heart surgery.
Do you realize how uncoordinated I am? I can barely walk a straight line most days.
But she was patient. She even brought me new, sturdier needles after I held the first pair too tight and snapped them in half. She undid my mistakes, unknotted the knots I somehow created. And she sat, patiently, by my side, in between classes, during church, over lunch and taught me to create. And showed me how Knit 1, Purl 2 can relax a person.
That was the key to me learning to knit: learning to relax. I had to learn how to undo my mistakes, had to learn to be guided, had to learn to go slow.
And once I unclenched my hands from around the needle, understood the directions and took a deep breath, I began knitting. And creating.
Scarves, shrugs, bags, a sweater, some hats, and a poncho.
I was in love. Hours spent creating loops and cables. Designing my own items to give as gifts. And in Knit 1, Purl 2, I learned to relax.
It's been too long since I have had needles in my hands. Felt the different types of yarn: wool, cotton, silk, mohair.
I basically quit after my Mom died. I remember sitting with her, holding my favorite needles. Size 8, metal so the yarn slid easier, a deep rich purple (her favorite color)in the softest cashmere yarn. It had to be soft. The chemo took her hair and made her head hurt. It had to be something soft.
I sat in the chair, next to her bed, knitting over and over. It was never quit right. I ripped out what I started and never made progress. Once the Chaplain showed up, I put the yarn away and didn't pick it up again. I knew there was no longer a need for a hat. She'd be feeling no pain very soon.
I was out with my girls last weekend. The stress of the past 2 weeks and the not knowing what the future holds was causing so much tension in the house. You could feel it, see it, invading our cocoon. So I took them away. Shopping, eating out, laughing, water park, amusement park, conversation, piled up in bed together laughing and talking. I felt the stress ease.
But I also realized, I missed creating. I've spent so much time tearing down. I wanted, needed to create. So I picked up some new yarn. It's soft. It creates ruffles. It's pretty. And I bought new needles. Metal, slippery, size 10 for a fast project. And as my girls did facials and giggled over one's new boyfriend, I began to knit.
It was amazing how natural it felt. I forgot how much I had missed the weight of needles and the lightness of yarn in my hands. Two items coming together to make something. Using my hands for more than picking up a heavy mug or shot glass. But hands that are creating. And I felt the tension ease away with each stitch. I felt a sense of accomplishment as I saw the ruffles form. I felt my mind start to open at the possibilities of new designs.
Sometimes, to move forward, you have to go back to what you know. Back to a time when my girls were little and innocent. When I was more easily molded and guided. When my life was becoming more tumultuous but I was still naive enough to not fully understand what was to come. I went back to a time when a woman placed wooden needles and yarn in my hands and said "This is just what you need".
And I forgave myself for a time when I didn't finish my Mom's hat. When I put down the needles and yarn to pick up a pen and sign, with hands trembling, the fulfillment of the final wishes of my mother and to open my arms to hold her, even as I had to whisper in her ear that it was okay to go.
But having the needles and yarn in my hands again, though so simple, reminds me that I am going to be okay. As long as I can breathe, as long as I can still think, as long as I can still create, I didn't destroy myself as much as I thought.
Knit 1, Purl 2, cast on, bind off . . . .words as soothing to me as notes are to a composer.
Love of a Lifetime
Yesterday, while at Squaw Creek with the girls, I walked behind them to just watch. I realized as we made our way up, up, up, how strong each of their personalities are. I was so overwhelmed with love for them, I had to stop and catch my breath so I didn't cry.
Kristin and Kaitlin grabbed hands and ran ahead, stopping only to make sure they were together if one fell behind a bit.
Brianna, for no fault of her own, had to stop frequently to catch her breath and take a break. But she never let on that she was wearing out and in pain. She just said "I'm okay, let's go!" She was the first one to agree to go back the "Strenuous" path. At the end, she sat in the front seat and collapsed, she was hurting and exhausted . . . but would not let her sickness get in the way. Her strength amazes me.
Erin just kept saying it was mean of us to trick her. She had no clue so much walking was involved and she had to keep away from poison ivy because what girl is pretty if they swell? She is my princess and I wish tougher. But she is soft and gentle and that is a gift in itself.
I learned that my daughters are amazing, each in their own individual way. They stand on their own, they stand together. At one point I looked up, we were heading towards a clearing and just like in the movies, the sun broke through and I saw four beatiful girls holding hands, walking along and I saw them again as my babies but also as children on the cusp on becoming ladies.
And at that point, I let a few tears slide down my face. Gratitude, joy, peace, contentment. No matter what struggles have come at us this past year, no matter what has been lost, I have found so much more.
A favorite line of mine from the movie "Where the heart is" is . . . How can you love someone so much you just met?
My only answer is . . . how can you not?
Kristin and Kaitlin grabbed hands and ran ahead, stopping only to make sure they were together if one fell behind a bit.
Brianna, for no fault of her own, had to stop frequently to catch her breath and take a break. But she never let on that she was wearing out and in pain. She just said "I'm okay, let's go!" She was the first one to agree to go back the "Strenuous" path. At the end, she sat in the front seat and collapsed, she was hurting and exhausted . . . but would not let her sickness get in the way. Her strength amazes me.
Erin just kept saying it was mean of us to trick her. She had no clue so much walking was involved and she had to keep away from poison ivy because what girl is pretty if they swell? She is my princess and I wish tougher. But she is soft and gentle and that is a gift in itself.
I learned that my daughters are amazing, each in their own individual way. They stand on their own, they stand together. At one point I looked up, we were heading towards a clearing and just like in the movies, the sun broke through and I saw four beatiful girls holding hands, walking along and I saw them again as my babies but also as children on the cusp on becoming ladies.
And at that point, I let a few tears slide down my face. Gratitude, joy, peace, contentment. No matter what struggles have come at us this past year, no matter what has been lost, I have found so much more.
A favorite line of mine from the movie "Where the heart is" is . . . How can you love someone so much you just met?
My only answer is . . . how can you not?
Things I have learned . . .
1. I don't know near as much in my 30's as I thought I did in my 20's.
2. How hard it's going to be to let go of someone you loved is directly related to how much of yourself you gave in that relationship because when you let go, you have to let go of parts of yourself that you gave away.
3. Which leads me to, don't go into a relationship to find yourself or feel better about yourself. Stay single, learn who you are, build a great life, then see what happens.
4. I'm sorry is only meaningful if you change the wrong behavior that caused the reason for an apology.
5. No one can fix what's wrong in your life -- you have to do it for yourself.
6. No one completes someone -- refer to #3 if you believe this.
7. All problems in a relationship can be traced back to one thing -- selfishness.
8. There isn't alway time to say what you want to -- so say it quickly.
9. Ultimatiums don't always lead to something good -- be prepared to handle a bad outcome if it comes to that.
10. If a person is still asking for advice for the same problem over and over -- stop giving them advice and instead, hand them a self-help book.
11. No one knows you better than you know yourself --- trust yourself more.
12. Nagging NEVER, EVER, EVER works. EVER.
13. If a man asks for space, give it to him.
14. If a man says he doesn't want to date you, marry you, stay married to you, they mean it. Move on.
15. Don't hold onto things or people that aren't holding onto you.
16. If you miss your friends, don't wait for them to call. It's a two-way street. Call them.
17. Words can destroy a person.
18. For every criticism you give a child, it takes 10 praises. Even more if the criticism is harsh. Children are still figuring out who they are and they first learn this from who we tell them they are.
19. It's okay to cry....hard.
20. It's okay to let others see you cry.
21. Sometimes, when someone asks how you are, all they want to hear is fine.
22. If someone offers help, take it.
23. If someone compliments you, say thank you, not "Oh, no, I'm not" or criticize yourself.
24. If a man does something nice for you and a woman complains, he probably won't ever do it again.
25. A person's life can be changed just by having someone believe in them.
26. NOt everything is meant to be forever, just for a time.
27. Just because someone is smiling, doesn't mean they are happy.
28. True happiness isn't found in moments or other people. It's something inside of you.
29. Sexual chemistry isn't love.
30. Sometimes all a child needs to feel loved is to have you stop what you're doing to listen to them talk.
31. You can't be a single mom, work full time, have a life and a spotless house and sleep. A little clutter is okay (still working on this).
32. Going to church doesn't make me a Christian just like staying home on Sunday doesn't make me an atheist.
33. Don't pretend to like something to impress someone. They'll find out eventually when they want to talk about common interests and realize you know nothing about it.
34. A man who cares about what you have to say will look you in the eyes . . . not the newspaper, tv, computer or another woman.
35. Don't try to change someone. It's impossible. Instead, decide if you can live with them the way they are and if not, move on.
36. Kids love it when we stop being such adults and act silly with them.
37. Kids grow up too fast.
38. This is such a cliche, but so true. We are not guaranteed forever.
39. People that put you down aren't worth your time.
40. It's okay to be lazy sometimes.
41. Failing isn't a sign of being a failure.
42. I can't love someone who isn't also my friend.
43. Its okay to fall apart when your world falls apart. Just don't stay that way.
44. Never stop doing small things for each other, no matter how long you are together.
45. Getting flowers or cards never gets old.
Ü
2. How hard it's going to be to let go of someone you loved is directly related to how much of yourself you gave in that relationship because when you let go, you have to let go of parts of yourself that you gave away.
3. Which leads me to, don't go into a relationship to find yourself or feel better about yourself. Stay single, learn who you are, build a great life, then see what happens.
4. I'm sorry is only meaningful if you change the wrong behavior that caused the reason for an apology.
5. No one can fix what's wrong in your life -- you have to do it for yourself.
6. No one completes someone -- refer to #3 if you believe this.
7. All problems in a relationship can be traced back to one thing -- selfishness.
8. There isn't alway time to say what you want to -- so say it quickly.
9. Ultimatiums don't always lead to something good -- be prepared to handle a bad outcome if it comes to that.
10. If a person is still asking for advice for the same problem over and over -- stop giving them advice and instead, hand them a self-help book.
11. No one knows you better than you know yourself --- trust yourself more.
12. Nagging NEVER, EVER, EVER works. EVER.
13. If a man asks for space, give it to him.
14. If a man says he doesn't want to date you, marry you, stay married to you, they mean it. Move on.
15. Don't hold onto things or people that aren't holding onto you.
16. If you miss your friends, don't wait for them to call. It's a two-way street. Call them.
17. Words can destroy a person.
18. For every criticism you give a child, it takes 10 praises. Even more if the criticism is harsh. Children are still figuring out who they are and they first learn this from who we tell them they are.
19. It's okay to cry....hard.
20. It's okay to let others see you cry.
21. Sometimes, when someone asks how you are, all they want to hear is fine.
22. If someone offers help, take it.
23. If someone compliments you, say thank you, not "Oh, no, I'm not" or criticize yourself.
24. If a man does something nice for you and a woman complains, he probably won't ever do it again.
25. A person's life can be changed just by having someone believe in them.
26. NOt everything is meant to be forever, just for a time.
27. Just because someone is smiling, doesn't mean they are happy.
28. True happiness isn't found in moments or other people. It's something inside of you.
29. Sexual chemistry isn't love.
30. Sometimes all a child needs to feel loved is to have you stop what you're doing to listen to them talk.
31. You can't be a single mom, work full time, have a life and a spotless house and sleep. A little clutter is okay (still working on this).
32. Going to church doesn't make me a Christian just like staying home on Sunday doesn't make me an atheist.
33. Don't pretend to like something to impress someone. They'll find out eventually when they want to talk about common interests and realize you know nothing about it.
34. A man who cares about what you have to say will look you in the eyes . . . not the newspaper, tv, computer or another woman.
35. Don't try to change someone. It's impossible. Instead, decide if you can live with them the way they are and if not, move on.
36. Kids love it when we stop being such adults and act silly with them.
37. Kids grow up too fast.
38. This is such a cliche, but so true. We are not guaranteed forever.
39. People that put you down aren't worth your time.
40. It's okay to be lazy sometimes.
41. Failing isn't a sign of being a failure.
42. I can't love someone who isn't also my friend.
43. Its okay to fall apart when your world falls apart. Just don't stay that way.
44. Never stop doing small things for each other, no matter how long you are together.
45. Getting flowers or cards never gets old.
Ü
Some things . . .
1. I get hurt very easily and usually doing the simplest things. This embarrasses me
2. I'm always saying the wrong thing, at the wrong time. This embarrasses me
3. Still surprised when people tell me how pretty I am. I still feel like the girl in H.S. who never got asked to prom
4. I want to travel for a year, non-stop, and write down everything I see and experience
5. I still believe in Love and this surprises me
6. I LOVE to kiss and that's one of the biggest things that I miss while single
7. I look at my daughters and still wonder how someone like me managed to be a part of something so phenomenal
8. I say phenomenal a lot
9. I'm very sensitive
10. I'm a loner
11. I love reading about other religions and views on spirituality
12. I don't always feels as smart as people think I am
13. There used to be words I could not say, but now I can easily. I still don't know why I was so uptight for so long
14. I LOVE my sense of humor
15. Good, no, great!!!!! conversation is the best way to grab and hold onto my attention
16. The only place I ever feel completely comfortable and like myself is in a classroom
17. I once knit a lace thong to prove that knitting wasn't uncool
18. I almost always root for the underdog.
19. To me, talking is the best form of intimacy
20. I prefer hanging out with men
21. I HATE losing control
22. I've only been in love once
23. I miss my old job at Circle of Hope and wonder how the kids I worked with are doing
24. I have an incredibly short attention span
25. Nothing maes me feel prettier than a dress and stilletos
26. My eyes make me too easy to read
27. a big pet peeve of mine is being let down
28. I have incredibly strong intuition and wish I trusted it more
29. I'm independent to the point of it causing problems
30. Music is such an emotional experience for me that sometimes, it causes a physical reaction
31. I can blush easily
32. I rarely cry, even if in a lot of pain.
33. I am envious of people that seem so laid back and confident in social situations
34. I wonder what happened that I no longer keep a journal
35. I laugh inside when people think I'm an airhead, prissy or weak. I have been through more than people would ever now and I am strong as hell
36. My top favorite moments in the world:
A. The birth of each of my daughters
B. Christmas shopping with my mom in KC until after 2 a.m.
C. Sitting at the hospital w/ my mom for hrs, just the two of us and not saying a word but seeing her wake up and smile at me w/ so much love
D. A lazy day doing nothing w/ my ex. I knit my 1st pair of socks while he watched UFC.
E. Taco Bell, after hours, getting an old guy to order my food. It was so spontaneous and unlike me, I knew it would be okay
F. Perkins until 7 am talking to a new friend for 8 hours.
37. I'm too uptight sometimes.
38. I feel as if my life is stalled and I'm doing all I can to move it forward
39. Conway Twitty gives me goosebumps
40. So does Etta James
41. I am a HUGE flirt
42. I hate going to the movies
43. And Mini golf
44. I've skinny dipped . . . . twice
45. I want to just take off for a weekend road trip
46. I'm the oddball of my family
47. I do not know if I'll ever marry again . . . . but I want to be. Just not right now.
48. I know exactly what I want in life
49. I HATE being told No or I can't
50. I was married for 10 years and he never saw me pee :)
When . . ..
We tell ourselves "I'll be happy when . . . ."
I lose 15 pounds . . . .
Fall in love . . . .
Get a raise . . . .
Get married . . . .
Why wait? Why not allow happiness NOW, right now, this very second?
Why must we put conditions on our happiness? Do we put conditions on our sadness?
"I'll be sad when . . . . "
I'm home alone and can cry without anyone seeing me . . .
The kids are asleep and don't hear my grief . . . .
He's done packing his stuff and has left . . . .
I guess we do place conditions, on all of it.
We have lost our ability to just feel unless there is an event connected to it. We have lost our connections with life.
I am re-learning this. I am learning to just sit still and smile, for no reason. To be happy even in the middle of chaos. And the chaos suddenly just turns into a minor issue, easily resolved.
Because of this one key thing: My happiness isn't connected to smaller jeans, a wedding ring, a fatter paycheck. It's a part of myself I have found that was always there. That's the weird part. I have always had this ability, to just . . . . BE . . . . I just forgot.
Look at children, before we teach them otherwise. Look at their pure joy just at waking up, sitting alone, listen to their laughter.
We've forgotten how simple it is. Life helped us forget how simple it is.
I had to remember this or I would have ended up living my life with a constant struggle for the "next thing". My happiness couldn't be connected to what I had because in one brief second of my life, I lost it all. All the things I connected to my joy.
My mom . . . .
My first love . . . .
My cousin . . . .
My faith . . . .
My income . . . .
I had to search within myself because it was all I had left and I discovered something beautiful. I discovered myself and my own connection to the world around me. And I learned one amazing truth: I was responsible for the CHOICE to be happy or not. It was a CHOICE. A choice!
I had to lose everything I depended, be stripped bare with nothing to anchor me. I had to be lost first.
I had to fight for a while, walk away for a while, had to cry even longer.
I had to be ME for a while, just me.
Not me plus one . . . .
Not me, someone's daughter . . . .
Not me, untouched by tragedy . . .
Not me . . . insert ABC religion here
Not me, employee of X Corporation . . . .
Just me. Just Michelle.
And the joy that I have found, regardless of my life, status, job, relationship status. Those just add to it, not create it.
I found happiness in the midst of nothing and now I believe that's the way it was meant to be.
Flowers
I've been thinking of you a lot lately and I feel the longing intensify. It always does when my life is going through a change. I've decided I'm bringing you flowers for Christmas. I have yet to take you flowers. It also made me wonder:
Why didn't I do that when you were alive?
I don't remember taking you flowers except for the childish bouquets when I was a little girl. The excitement I felt at the treasure I had found, wanting to share it with you.
Why did I ever stop?
Sometimes, I wonder if I close my eyes enough, wish hard enough, if somehow, through enough wanting, if I could have just one more moment with you. Just . . . one . . . . more.
I still hate talking to a stone and wondering if you can hear. I still have too many questions and uncertainties of what the after life holds to wonder if you can hear me. Guess it depends on who I talk to on whether you can or not. I'd like to think you do, but a part of me doubts it because if you can hear me, why can't I hear you anymore? What a cruel trick of time, the forgetting.
It shouldn't be that way. If I had any say in it, your voice would get stronger, your image imprinted of my mind forever, as if you were there.
Maybe the powers that be believe that the forgetting helps with healing. I disagree. The forgetting makes me feel worse. What does it say about a person when they forget? I don't see it as healing, just moving on.
But how much moving on must I do to be "healthy" and yet still hold on to you?
So I write these letters, hoping to make sense of that which confuses me.
Sometimes, I wonder if you are here, in your own way, whatever way that is, reading over my shoulder. Such a silly thought for such a logical person.
You'd be proud of me, I think, at how I am slowly allowing myself to be illogical in my life and yet how completely sane and logical I feel in the middle of it all.
Yet, here I am, writing you a letter you can never read because a small part of me hopes that you can. That I hope (and would never readily admit) that each keystroke somehow reaches you, wherever you are: Heaven, the ground, somewhere in between. Guess it depends on which pastor I listen to that week, which book I read.
That's the part you'd hate right now, my doubts and wonderings. But I was never like you in that regard: the absolute, unwavering faith. I question too much, everything, always have. But that's the part of me I love the most.
I've grown into a woman the past few years, some due to natural progression, some due to shoving. I feel the selfishness of who I used to be falling away and being replaced with a love for life and others that I never imagined. I am letting my life be led more by my heart and less by my mind.
So I'll bring you flowers and try to forgive myself for not doing it when it counted. I guess, right now, it's more for me, than you. But I'm sure you'd understand and love them anyway, if you can even see them.
My heart aches today; aches too much for all I have to do. What I'd give for a day to grieve, without interruption. My life is too fast paced for that; I make it too fast paced. It's easier that way; except when it's not. Except for the times when the busyness makes me feel trapped.
I guess it's up to me to create the time; the time to feel and grieve. But opening up that door, the door I finally inched shut. I don't really think I'm ready to open it again.
So for now, I'll accept the few moments I had to open up to you and well, until we meet again . . .
I love you.
Rollercoaster
I don't want to do this. Why am I doing this? Why did they talk me into this?
The line is long, that gives me some relief. It will take longer to face the inevitable. I look ahead and see the brave in the front, excited to see everything coming, experience it fully. I observe those standing in line towards the front, trying to figure out which ones are the hands in the air type, which ones are the eyes clenched shut, as if not seeing it will make it less scary.
Eyes definitely closed for me. Hands gripping the bar, holding on for dear life.
I realize that there is no one in front of me. My legs suddenly jerk, acting on their own accord. I want to turn around, run, find the chicken exit. I'm not scared of being a chicken, I'm scared of being the unlucky one that gets stuck upside down, blood rushing to their head, feeling as if they are going to explode . . . or worse. I look up at the peak, estimate how far the drop is and how bad it would hurt once I land.
I wonder what my life would look like flashing before my eyes? I wonder if the impact will kill me instantly or if I would just break all the bones and if the I could experience pain so instense, my body would go numb to protect me.
I only have 2 seconds to ponder this massive, possibly life altering question before I am shoved into a cramped seat with a frayed seat belt snapped around my body and a thin metal bar standing between me and mortality. I chose the middle.
Don't analyze that. It's safer here, cushioned. If it crashes, statistics show it's always the ones on the ends who go first. Suckers and their insane need for adrenaline rushes.
I assume my position, eyes tightly closed, hands on the bar, white knuckles. I have a moment of wanting to grab the girl checking my seat belt by the neck, begging her to let me out. Before I can succumb to my desire for solid, unmoving ground, I feel myself jerk forward.
Shit!
We are going up . . . .
How crazy am I that this is the scariest part for me? The uncertainty . . . what is going to happen once we are on top? How bad will the fall be? Will it hurt? Will I be left breathless? Will I laugh or cry . . . or vomit?
It takes forever to reach the top, the slow ascent a horrible tease.
Just get me up there....now!!!!!! My heart is hurting, my stomach is in knots. Why the hell am I here?
Suddenly, I feel nothing. I'm free falling. I see the trees rushing past me but can't comprehend I'm falling. Suddenly, I realize, I like how it feels . . . . the nothingness and everything'ness at the same time. I realize I have opened my eyes and let go of the bar. My hands are in the air. I am envious of those in the front who were less afraid, more willing to look forward to what was coming instead of wanting to hide in the middle.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhoowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa . . . YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't even realize I'm screaming until I feel myself jerk forward and slow down. It's over. Two minutes of pure adrenaline.
Why was I so scared?
I slowly lift the bar up that was my security only seconds earlier, unbuckle myself with trembling hands, smooth my hair and stand up. My legs are weak, my heart is racing . . . .
I feel so alive.
I look around and see a woman who has the same "death would be better than this" look on her face I had only moments earlier. I catch her eye . . . .
Sit in the front. I promise, this is a ride you don't want to miss.
Type A with some B thrown in
I wrote this over a year ago . . . . . still love it! <3
I'm going to get a bit "soft" but list style to keep the edges crisp.
1. Fall in love without thinking about it; when it doesn't work out, celebrate the expansion of your heart and the experiences you had.
2. Not every past relationship was unsuccessful; it was just meant to be successful for a moment, not a lifetime.
3. Skip a day of work/school and play at the park.
4. Don't be afraid to blurt out what you're thinking
5. Allow yourself to be kissed breathless.
6. Dance on a bar, ride the mechanical bull, jump out of a plane; fear is just waiting to become an adrenaline rush
7. Eat doughnuts, ice cream, Nutty Bars only every once in a while; they taste better when they are a treat
8. Hand write a letter to someone, everyone, you think of . . . . on a random Tuesday, for no reason.
9. Slip the server an extra $10 as a thank you for helping you avoid Wal-mart, the kitchen and dishes. Shoot, an extra $20 for avoiding Walmart alone
10. Get on stage and tell a joke, sing a song, grab a guitar. You may bomb . . . . but then again, you may not.
11. Go to McDonald's or a coffee shop early in the morning and listen to the older generation; their past experiences becomes today's wisdom.
12. Rip up the box you've been living in and break some rules.
13. Spend 24 hours NOT apologizing for anything.
14. Learn to spend time alone
15. Don't take everything personally
16. Lie under a tree and find the dinosaur, rocket, bunny in the clouds.
17. Run away from a weekend, jump on a Harley, fly to Vegas.
18. Have a conversation with someone you never would and just listen. You may learn something new about the world or yourself
19. Throw away those jeans, tucked way back in the closet, that ONE day you are going to fit into; or sign up for a race and get back into them
20. Laugh so hard that you cry or snort. It feels AMAZING!
21. Tell every person you love how much you love them. No matter how: a letter, in person, phone call, text, email, IM, facebook status update. JUST DO IT.
22. Throw away the self help books and JUST be yourself.
23. Grab your Ipod, go outside, after everyone is asleep and DANCE.
24. Go to a concert of a band you've never heard of
25. Have a swinging contest with your kids (or nieces/nephews, grandkids, neighbor kids)
26. Listen to your intuition. Walk away if necessary or run like hell after someone.
27. Get in a fight just for the make up sex
28. Leave someone a love note in their briefcase, wallet, purse, lunch box
29. Send flowers to your kids at school for no reason
30. Fold the laundry, sweep the floor, do the dishes later and go have lunch with your best friend.
What's YOUR list?
Jeremy
I knew they would be work the moment they sat down. They stumbled to the table and fell into the booth. She spilled the drink she had, he just looked at me with a vacant stare.
His words were hard to understand as I bent over to clean up the mess.
Coffee. Lots of coffee. And orange juice. I should probably have orange juice.
I went to get their drinks, dreading the return to the table. To them. Its normal to have hungover people come in on a Sunday. But knowing it is going to happen never makes it easier.
But they were different. The return to the table quickly let me know why.
Rough ride. I am on a rough ride. Too much crack. Lots of coke. Seemed fun at the time. It alwaysdoes. I think this time may kill me.
His hands were shaking. His girlfriend puts her earphones in and turns on her Ipod. She closes her eyes and inhales her cigarette.
Pancakes. Eggs over easy. He needs food. It may help.
I leave to put in their order and tend to some other customers. I then hear a bang and realize they had spilled their drinks again. I rush over to clean it up. As I am wiping up the brownish liquid, he smiles at me. In that moment, I am not staring at a customer coming down off of Crack. I am staring at Jeremy.
His eyes always got to me. They were so deep, always looking older than his 35 years. As I would later find out, it was because he had already lived so many lives.
Heroin at 14 . . . .
Losing a prestigious job. The youngest manager of a five star hotel fired for stealing pain pills.
He introduced me to music, books, movies, ideals and new beers.
A Bronx Tale helped me see how sweet it is to reach over and unlock a mans door.
Celestine Prophecy making me cry as it put into words what i had been feeling about God and religion for so long.
Sunset in July and Whiskey and Wine introducing me to a laid back California sound that I still love.
I sometimes wonder if it was my fault he started using again.
I had hurt myself months before we met. The doctor prescribed pain pills. I never took them. Instead I stuck them in a drawer and forgot about them. Jeremy came up early one night while I was working and surprised me by cleaning up the house and making me dinner.
I didnt know until a few weeks later he had cleaned thoroughly enough to find the pills and my tip money. Maybe he set it up perfectly to find the pills. I had casually mentioned the injury and the pills to him in a passing conversation. It never occurred to me to worry since he never showed signs of using again.
I was wrong.
We spent New Years Eve together. I woke up to an empty house on New Years day. The pills were gone along with my money.
I didnt hear from him again for a week. Apologies. Excuses. And a lot of lies.
Michelle, you threw the pills away, remember?
Michelle, you had put the money in your wallet, remember?
Michelle, I left because I was scared by how much I love you and needed time to think.
I've only seen him twice since then. Once as a fool, the second time for a good-bye. I wanted closure.
His eyes no longer looked wise, but vacant. Glassy. He couldnt focus on me, restless, always looking around. But it gave me the closure I needed and I walked away.
I finished waiting on the couple and waited for them to pay. He handed me $40.00 and said to keep the change. A pretty big tip. As I walked away, I heard him holler out.
You dropped some money.
I went back and he handed me a fifty. It had fallen out when I put the other money in.
I am on a pretty rough ride. I need all the good Karma I can get.
As they left, I no longer saw Jeremy. Instead, I saw someones son. Brother. Friend. And from the conversations I overheard, knows that his choices may kill him. . . .
. . . . and is okay with that.
Letters to my daughters.
I wrote this about 8 years ago . . . .it's amazing seeing how much of this has come to pass in their life . . . .
Dear Sweet, Strong, Amazing Princesses,
You are growing taller and stronger everyday. The quickness of it takes my breath away. It seems a cliche to say it seems like only yesterday....but it does seem that way. Only yesterday, I was the mother of one, then three, then four. Sweet baby girls clothed in pink who fit in the crook of my arm. Quickly, you grew and were running away from me. Even at that moment, I realized the significance of your steps; steps that were necessary. We may bond as you grow older, but you will always be walking away. My job is to not only teach you how to do so, but how to do it with pride and dignity.
Sometimes we fight, but one day, you'll realize the convinctions I have....the convictions I have for you. I tell you no because I understand now, only from my own lacking, how important a mother's guidance is. And I've been where you are...and where you are going.
Even now, I raise you with your future in mind. My prayers for you are that you will be strong enough to stand up for what you believe in, but flexible enough to learn and try new things. Most of all, I wish for you to know who you are. To take the time to be your own best friend first so that you don't have to seek outside of yourself for fulfillment. Even now, I see your gifts and talents; I hope you can see them too. It takes my breath away to realize such amazing creatures are children...my daughters.
I have an extra responsibilty as your mother. Right now, I am your role model. I hope I do it with grace and strength. But please, accept my apologies now, for I will stumble. I will do and say the wrong things. But I will always love you....will never stop loving you.
I have fears; I cry; I shout; I laugh. Please do not be shocked by that. I only want for you to realize that it's okay to feel. That weakness isn't found in showing emotions, but hiding them. Strength is shown when you do not hide; when you let people know who you are.
Brianna, especially for you now, I write this. You are entering a new phase of life. You are getting older, maturing. The little girl I carried in my womb, cared for and sent off to kindergarten is becoming a young woman. You struggle with who you are. Please don't. Can you not see what I see? A girl who is wise beyond her years. I am proud of you. I am proud of your "embrace life fully" personality. I am proud of your heart and intelligence. You are both analytical and impulsive. You are a gift to this world. I'm sorry I do not tell you enough.
Kristin, my quiet one, my wish for you is courage. i don't understand how it feels to be so scared so I can only offer support and guidance....and love. You are talented in so many ways and your quietness is a gift. As you told me when you were five, "i spend more time listening than talking, Mom" Do not ever lose that. You are patient and I trust you will get where you need to when the time comes.
Katie, you are always on the go; take time to slow down and see the world. You cannot leave the room without a kiss and a hug. While you are also sometimes scared, I see your courage starting to emerge. Tears come to my eyes as I see you starting to step into a world you have been so scared of for so long. Do not be afraid because I can see the strength you possess that shows me you can do this. Hold your head high and keep walking, I'll be behind you if you need to hold my hand.
Erin, you amaze me. You see the world in a way I never could. You do not hurry through life, instead, you live your life in moments. At 4, your depth of love for all things natural amazes me. Your imagination is an asset that I hope you continue to embrace it and never stop seeing things that others miss. You joy is contagious and it is such a gift to be a part of that.
My daughters, i will never pretend life is easy; it is hard. But through hard work comes achievement and through achievement comes confidence. Never believe that because you are a girl, you cannot achieve certain things. Listen to what I am trying to say to you when I tell you to pick yourselves up and keep going. Life is never lived if you are scared to get up after you fall.
These are the lessons I want you to learn:
As you grow, your heart will be broken; maybe many times. Learn from each heartbreak.
Do not follow the crowd. As a female, you were given the gift of intuition....use it. Be proud of who you are and what you stand for. Even if at times, you stand alone, I promise, in time, pride will come with those decisions.
It's okay to say NO. No to friends who ask you to compromise who you are; no to the boys who may try too hard; no to those that tell you that you can't achieve; NO to doubts that try to hold you back.
Just as it is okay to say NO, it is also okay to change your mind. I understand that there will be times when you make a choice without fully realizing its impact. Do not feel weak because you have decided that you cannot follow through on a decison you have made or you feel that others will disagree. You cannot make your choices based on what others think of you, but what you will think of yourself onces it has been made.
Be proud of your beauty but cultivate your inner beauty just as much, if not more than your outer beauty.
Make your choices with wisdom and conviction. Again, this falls under, do not follow the crowd. Just because a lot of people are saying it's right doesn't make it so. Sometimes the correct path is found when you take the time to explore on your own.
Before you ever give yourself to a man, please be secure enough in who you are so you don't lose yourself. One day, I hope you understand that men are meant not to complete you but complement who you are.
NEVER accept put-downs or abuse. Boys don't hit girls they like. I repeat, boys DON'T hit girls they like. They also do not pressure, put-down or run away. A real man walks beside you.
God gave me four daughters. One day, you will leave and begin your own life. Do it with your head held high and a soul full of confidence. And when you leave my arms, know that I raised you with love and look forward to the day that you are not only my daughters but my friends.
143....Mom
Dear Sweet, Strong, Amazing Princesses,
You are growing taller and stronger everyday. The quickness of it takes my breath away. It seems a cliche to say it seems like only yesterday....but it does seem that way. Only yesterday, I was the mother of one, then three, then four. Sweet baby girls clothed in pink who fit in the crook of my arm. Quickly, you grew and were running away from me. Even at that moment, I realized the significance of your steps; steps that were necessary. We may bond as you grow older, but you will always be walking away. My job is to not only teach you how to do so, but how to do it with pride and dignity.
Sometimes we fight, but one day, you'll realize the convinctions I have....the convictions I have for you. I tell you no because I understand now, only from my own lacking, how important a mother's guidance is. And I've been where you are...and where you are going.
Even now, I raise you with your future in mind. My prayers for you are that you will be strong enough to stand up for what you believe in, but flexible enough to learn and try new things. Most of all, I wish for you to know who you are. To take the time to be your own best friend first so that you don't have to seek outside of yourself for fulfillment. Even now, I see your gifts and talents; I hope you can see them too. It takes my breath away to realize such amazing creatures are children...my daughters.
I have an extra responsibilty as your mother. Right now, I am your role model. I hope I do it with grace and strength. But please, accept my apologies now, for I will stumble. I will do and say the wrong things. But I will always love you....will never stop loving you.
I have fears; I cry; I shout; I laugh. Please do not be shocked by that. I only want for you to realize that it's okay to feel. That weakness isn't found in showing emotions, but hiding them. Strength is shown when you do not hide; when you let people know who you are.
Brianna, especially for you now, I write this. You are entering a new phase of life. You are getting older, maturing. The little girl I carried in my womb, cared for and sent off to kindergarten is becoming a young woman. You struggle with who you are. Please don't. Can you not see what I see? A girl who is wise beyond her years. I am proud of you. I am proud of your "embrace life fully" personality. I am proud of your heart and intelligence. You are both analytical and impulsive. You are a gift to this world. I'm sorry I do not tell you enough.
Kristin, my quiet one, my wish for you is courage. i don't understand how it feels to be so scared so I can only offer support and guidance....and love. You are talented in so many ways and your quietness is a gift. As you told me when you were five, "i spend more time listening than talking, Mom" Do not ever lose that. You are patient and I trust you will get where you need to when the time comes.
Katie, you are always on the go; take time to slow down and see the world. You cannot leave the room without a kiss and a hug. While you are also sometimes scared, I see your courage starting to emerge. Tears come to my eyes as I see you starting to step into a world you have been so scared of for so long. Do not be afraid because I can see the strength you possess that shows me you can do this. Hold your head high and keep walking, I'll be behind you if you need to hold my hand.
Erin, you amaze me. You see the world in a way I never could. You do not hurry through life, instead, you live your life in moments. At 4, your depth of love for all things natural amazes me. Your imagination is an asset that I hope you continue to embrace it and never stop seeing things that others miss. You joy is contagious and it is such a gift to be a part of that.
My daughters, i will never pretend life is easy; it is hard. But through hard work comes achievement and through achievement comes confidence. Never believe that because you are a girl, you cannot achieve certain things. Listen to what I am trying to say to you when I tell you to pick yourselves up and keep going. Life is never lived if you are scared to get up after you fall.
These are the lessons I want you to learn:
As you grow, your heart will be broken; maybe many times. Learn from each heartbreak.
Do not follow the crowd. As a female, you were given the gift of intuition....use it. Be proud of who you are and what you stand for. Even if at times, you stand alone, I promise, in time, pride will come with those decisions.
It's okay to say NO. No to friends who ask you to compromise who you are; no to the boys who may try too hard; no to those that tell you that you can't achieve; NO to doubts that try to hold you back.
Just as it is okay to say NO, it is also okay to change your mind. I understand that there will be times when you make a choice without fully realizing its impact. Do not feel weak because you have decided that you cannot follow through on a decison you have made or you feel that others will disagree. You cannot make your choices based on what others think of you, but what you will think of yourself onces it has been made.
Be proud of your beauty but cultivate your inner beauty just as much, if not more than your outer beauty.
Make your choices with wisdom and conviction. Again, this falls under, do not follow the crowd. Just because a lot of people are saying it's right doesn't make it so. Sometimes the correct path is found when you take the time to explore on your own.
Before you ever give yourself to a man, please be secure enough in who you are so you don't lose yourself. One day, I hope you understand that men are meant not to complete you but complement who you are.
NEVER accept put-downs or abuse. Boys don't hit girls they like. I repeat, boys DON'T hit girls they like. They also do not pressure, put-down or run away. A real man walks beside you.
God gave me four daughters. One day, you will leave and begin your own life. Do it with your head held high and a soul full of confidence. And when you leave my arms, know that I raised you with love and look forward to the day that you are not only my daughters but my friends.
143....Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)