Reflecting

I've been in a reflective mood the past few days. I think it's healthy to go back to specific points in our lives to gain a better understanding of who we are now. It's healthy to reflect on how far we've come as well as how far we may need to go. It's a process, a journey and it's not linear. In the words of Doctor Who: It's not linear. It's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.

For me, for my journey, I've had many times of having to go back to certain points where I started to get it right and then for one reason or another, veered off. So I return to that point and instead of going right, I take a left. Other times, I look towards the future to get a better view of where I'm going, hoping to catch a few hints of which direction I am to take. In the end, it all makes sense, really, in it's own way.

But this week, I'm been reflective. And I'm glad. I remembered moments from my past that molded me into who I am now. I thought about it, wrote some of it down and now, I feel better. I feel I've learned about myself a little bit more.

To Understand Our Present, We Must Understand Our Past 

But, and this is the step so many forget, even when we reflect on our past, mull it over, seriously allow it to be a part of our thoughts, we must not get stuck there. Going back to times in my childhood can hurt and it may be necessary to do to understand myself better now, but I cannot get stuck there. I cannot allow it to change me into someone who becomes a victim and says "Woe is me!"

Because my life now is anything but Woe is Me! Though there are aspects that suck right now, overall, my life is good. Damn Good! Really, really freaking good. I can't lose sight of that. I cannot get so stuck in what I have lacked or what's been taken from me that I completely lose touch with all I have gained and all I have fought for.

My childhood was so far from ideal but it helped me to become this resilient, strong woman I am now. But reflecting on it this week also showed me that I am vulnerable and sometimes, I do need others. And that's okay. I'm not going to do that part perfectly, but I'm more open to trying now. More than I was before.

My relationships haven't always been perfect. But it has taught me that I am capable of loving others, learning new things and surviving disappointment. It has also taught me to appreciate the good people in my life and to appreciate it during, not after, when they are gone.

The past 15 months of my life have been hellish. But I've learned that no matter how I may have wanted to give up, I have an inner core that is too strong to allow that. I also have learned that again, it's okay to be vulnerable and cry sometimes.

Today is a good day, for no reason except it is. And though I write so often about the painful times in my life, I need to start working to write about the good times as well.