Originally written in 2009. My dating guidelines have changed quite a bit since then :/
A few months ago, I wrote a sarcastic dating profile. I figure,
at this point, it's time to make a wee little list on how to (or not to)
get to a 2nd date with me.
1. Show up on time. Sad
that I even have to mention this. But really, nothing screams "Stood up"
more than a pretty girl sitting alone in the bar, restaurant or the
little section of Sonic, drinking a water and checking her phone every 5
minutes. I don't like being put in this situation. Especially when a
really hot guy at the end of the bar/restaurant/or next stall at Sonic
is giving me "The Eye". The longer you wait, the more I give "The Eye"
back and by the time you show up, I may already be planning my second
date with Mr. Man. As they say, the early bird gets the, er, worm ;)
2.
In case you need a refresher course on obtaining a date with me, let me
bring up the subject of Ex's again. Let's not talk about them. And most
importantly, if your ex was hot, do not show me a picture of her. I am a
woman. I will spend the rest of the date trying to decide how to suck
in my tummy, amp up my cleavage and inconspicuosly keep applying lip
gloss so my lips look oh so shiny and kissable. This will detract ALL
attention away from you. If you decide to not heed this warning and show
me a picture, at least pull up a picture of your slightly odd looking
Cousin from Alabama. Then, Ill spend the rest of the date feeling quite
'lucious. After all, we all want to believe we are the "Most Beautiful
Woman You Have EVER Met"
3. How about we just make it
simple. Let's pretend that you have never had a relationship with anyone
else because you were waiting for someone as fabulous as me. I will
know, deep down, it's all a lie. But that's okay. We all lie a little
anyway.
4. Do not stare at my cleavage. Yes, I know it's
nice, but I believe in making eye contact and if I have to keep bending
my head down to maintain eye contact, the date will end early because my
neck will hurt and I will be so pissed that you never looked in my eye,
I won't let you give me a massage. And I didn't wear Crest Whitestrips
for a week and splurge on the "Lasts 8 hours, shiny, makes lips
kissable" lipgloss to have my mouth ignored :)
5. Don't
complain about the prices on the menu. You asked me out, so there's a
damn good chance, I let you pick the restaurant. If you do complain, I
am ornery enough that I'll order an appetizer and the most expensive
meal on the menu, eat 2 bites and then let you know I'm dieting and
can't possibly finish it all. If you can't afford to pay for dinner,
donate some more plasma and call me when your red blood cell count is
back to normal.
6. Please don't hit on the
bartender/waitress/car hop. At least not in front of me. I have a small
bladder, I'll excuse myself to go pee alot. You are welcome to flirt
then. Refer back to my message about lies. I can't get angry about what I
don't know.
7. Open my door for me. If you jump ahead of
me and barge through the door and slam it in my face, I promise you,
you'll probably be standing around for 10 minutes thinking I'm peeing
again and will be back at any moment before you realize, I'm not :)
Instead, I'm probably at the cool bar next door where the bouncer
winked at me as we passed by (You would've seen this if you hadn't been
staring at my cleavage). I promise you, bouncers open doors for ladies
;)
8. Do not take me to Wal-mart on the first date. I do
not care that you ran out of toilet paper at home. Grab some napkins
from the restaurant. If you don't want me to see you do this, you can
grab them and stuff them in your pants while I'm on one of my many
bathroom trips. On the first date, I do not want to know that you
prefer Angel Soft over Charmin. In fact, I do not even want to imagine
that you use toilet paper . . . or why. But with my mind being the way
it is, I will start thinking of that and suddenly, you'll look more like
a friend than a "I'll kiss him on the first date" prospect.
9.
Do not tell me about a fabulous trip you want to take me on in 5
months. It's the FIRST date. Save big plans like that for at least the
5th date. That's the perfect amount of time to start making future
plans. And since I like to think people mean what they say, I don't want
to be the dumbass who starts looking forward to the trip, ask for that
week off work, post about it all over Facebook and tell my friends only
to realize you couldn't think of anything else to say once you weren't
given the option of staring at my boobs and/or hitting on the
bartender/waitress/car hop and have no intention of taking me anywhere.
10.
Please, don't get me drunk on the first date. I start saying things I
truly believe I mean when in reality, I wish I had never said them. I
promise you now, if I mention wanting you to meet my family, kids, or
love at first site, it wasn't me, it was the Vodka/Tequila/Jager. And
if you wake up the next day with a flight confirmation to Florida, I
tried to warn you beforehand, so it's your fault ;)
11.
And FINALLY: Please, for all that is good and right in this world, DO
NOT tell me about nor show me a picture of you in ladies panties. And
when I laugh and ask how your Halloween was, do not be shocked when I
suddenly have to run away when you tell me you wear them daily.
Honestly, I'm not uptight, I just do not want to use the brain power to
figure out how you keep everything tucked in or wonder if your ass looks
better in red boyshorts than mine does.
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