More Beautiful

I was so excited. A rare night for us to go out, with no kids. With four babies at home, this is a feat in and of itself. But we managed it. I had went shopping with my mom a few days before to buy a new outfit. I felt beautiful in my charcoal gray pants and pink and gray sweater. The mom shoes were put away and I slipped on heels.

As we were driving to his company Christmas party, I looked at him to ask what was wrong.

I am ashamed to be seen with you.

I had gained weight after the birth of Erin. Caring for four babies under the age of four left little time for me. But I had went to great lengths to pick out my outfit, do my hair, apply my makeup just right.

But in that one moment, I realized one thing . . . .

Nothing I did to myself would make me pretty enough for him. There was always another woman who was prettier. Slimmer. More desirable.

He had quit calling me beautiful years before that night.

I had been single for a while. I wasn't even looking for someone. I felt I needed more time to rebuild what my ex-husband had destroyed. But I couldn't forget his smile.

Why is someone as beautiful as you talking to me?

I was shocked.

It didn't last long, however . . .  and he never said those words to me again.

He did let me know, however, that he found other women more beautiful. He would point them out to me. Telling me to try to get my hair like one girl. Wear an outfit like another. On and on until I felt as if he was settling.

Why do you need me to tell you that you are beautiful? If you think you are, why does my opinion matter?

Because if it is so easy for you to say it about women you do not even know, why is it so hard for you to say it to me?

I was out to dinner with friends. She got up to order a drink. Her boyfriend couldn't take his eyes off of her. He was speaking to no one in particular when he said . . .

She is the most beautiful women I have ever seen. How am I so lucky?

I could have easily pointed out a number of women in the bar that night who were more beautiful. But I didn't because I realized what he meant.

When he was with her, he saw no one else. His love for her caused him to see her so clearly, there was nothing more beautiful to him.

I excused myself so he wouldn't see the tears.

Because I have never experienced that. Being the most beautiful women to someone who cared about me. My whole life has been a process of critique and veiled compliments . . .

You are pretty but . . . .

She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen . . . .

You would be prettier if . . . .

And it seems so hard to explain to men why it hurts when they don't see us as the most beautiful. Because to a woman, beauty isn't the way our hair is styled, the clothes we wear, the shoes on our feet. NO!!! Its inside of us. its who we are.

And when someone cares about you and gets to know you but still doesn't see us as the most beautiful . . . .

Its a complete rejection of who we are, behind the lipstick, the perfume and the little black dress. Its us allowing them to see us from the inside out and them still finding someone else more desirable.

I may have ruined a relationship because of this belief. Because when I saw him, I saw no one else. No one else could even begin to compare.

And I just wanted him to feel the same way when he looked at me . . . .

And I couldn't stop myself from feeling the same rejection as before when I heard him utter these words . . . .

She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

And he wasn't talking about me . . . . .